A dream is a dream and no more! I would like to believe that. But the last dream that I had has left me disturbed. I woke up from my afternoon nap yesterday with a sense of unease. I dreamt that I was in a foreign land without my passport and visa. I was frantically searching my luggage for the same when I woke up with a start. The scene was at the airport. There were folks who had come to see me off. The girl next to me resembled my best friend physically. But the person was different. She was not the empathetic helper that I know. The other person that I recognized was my best friend’s father. All other faces were unknown. I don’t even remember what they looked like. There may have been just one or two other persons with us. So here I was frantically searching for my passport while my friend was nonchalant about my plight and was busy re-capping everything that we had been doing the past few days while I was on the foreign land. Her father was in the background, looking at me with a benign smile. Nobody made any effort to help. And then I woke up with a start and the questions came pouring in.
How did I reach the foreign land without passport and visa?
How many days did I stay there before wanting to return?
Why was my friend not bothered about my plight? What was she saying anyway?
What was her father smiling for when I was traumatized with no means of getting out of this land and into my country without the passport?
I don’t usually remember anything from my dreams after I wake up. But this one was as vivid as a stage show or a movie that had unfolded in front of my eyes. What is the reason? Is my unconscious telling me something? Is the dream reflecting my state of restlessness? Let me get rid of the question mark and the answer is upon me. The dream is in fact a distilled version of my struggle in past few days.
The foreign land is symbolic of the yet uncharted territories that I wish to take up. I know that it is Uncharted for me, but not so for others. I can see that from the fact that there are other people in and around us.
My being in the foreign land itself, seems to me like a decision. So while I am saying aloud that I am on the brink of decision making, my unconscious has already made the decision. I have moved on from where I am currently, at least in spirit.
My friend’s presence along with her father could have many interpretations. One is -- I am looking at peers who will be there for me and second is -- looking at others more experienced older folks who will be there by my side too. Her nonchalance could be anything varying from not overtly anxious about the situation to indifference to my plight. She is talking about the experiences that we had in the foreign land, which she is a resident of. But I cannot comprehend what she is saying. It could be two things. Maybe I am not really listening to her. She may be pointing out opening and opportunities that may be awaiting me. Alternately, she may be symbolic of the people who are indifferent and lack empathy as I struggle to make my mark. And my unconscious is preparing me for that.
My friend’s father, (I call him my uncle), has been standing in the background while I ransack my luggage for the infernal passport. He is smiling as he watches me in silence. I somehow know that he has my papers but I do not ask him. (In real life too, he has a habit of concealing things and objects and revealing them only when the other person is frustrated trying to figure out what/where it is). His smile tells me that I am happy to let you struggle, if that’s what you want. But I can be of help, if you ask. There is a sense of frustration in me that he is withholding from me what is mine. At the same time there is a comfort in knowing that I can fall back upon someone to help me. Whether he really has the papers I did not check. Does this mean that I am reluctant to take help from obvious quarters? He is symbolic of the experienced folks who are ahead of me in the journey. The situation is also symbolic of times ahead where I may have to push the envelope a bit farther!
It’s taking me lot of guts to also put down, what I know deep down. I am not taking the help because I do not want to be in debt to the giver. I am assuming that the giver will ask his/her pound of flesh. I am not ready for that sacrifice. It is worth it to ponder on where this feeling comes from? I also know, deep inside me, that I am competing with the learned ones. And I have a prejudice that competing with elders is a taboo. Hell, I operate from a prejudice that “competing is a taboo – anytime, with anyone”. Good girls do not compete. They just do their best! Over the time it has reduced and i am today able to see myself in competition and enjoy it too!
The passport and visa are symbolic of the ticket to move in both worlds. In not having carried it in the first place, it’s almost as if I may have thwarted all rules and sane advice while going to the foreign land. The desire was so strong. Yet I know that I have tucked it under my belt, just in case I need to return to my comfort zone. But, I do not find it when I need it. I may have closed the doors knowingly. Or there are things beyond my control that have decided something else for me. But then life is rarely like this. I know, from experience that no door closes permanently. So what is the worry? The worry is of leaving the comfort zone behind. The worry is of having to prove myself again in the old world and get my acceptance in that world when I enter without the so-called ticket. Where do these fears stem from? It could be the caution signs that have been put up loud and clear by family, colleagues and friends. It may the fear of failure in the new place and having to return to the old place. As someone put it – having to eat crow! Letting my ego take a beating and say I made a mistake. Hell, I have not even taken the step. What am I looking at failures for?
My strengths will help me overcome my fears. I have the capcity to make a decision and reach out for what my heart desires. I am surrounded by like minded people who will support and guide me. I have a track record of being successful in whatever I do. I am capable of returning to the roots, if required. I have the will to learn, experience and have faith that I shall make my mark yet again.
I think the loosing of passport tells me that I need not return to what I left behind. I have already traversed through those roads. There is much for me to stay put and move along the new path. I am aware of my fears. I am also aware of my strengths. And the awareness brings me power to reach out for what I want. It’s only a matter of time now. Time to take the plunge!
